Log in

No account? Create an account

and now my life has changed in oh so many ways...
white fluffy clouds
Saturday morning and I have time to stay in my pajamas as long as I want. Jasmine tea and time to read April's Elle cover-to-cover. The time between things has become more valuable than ever. Life has gone on and on the past few weeks: Littered with my boyfriend's shows, a trip to the beach, a few dinners out, a home-cooked meal or two, work highs and lows, reading, snuggling in, cleaning and refining my life to the best of my ability. Last night was my [distant] friend Molly's birthday dinner, and to my surprise, my boyfriend was able to make it at the last minute. I was so glad to see him, especially since he's gone this weekend to Plymouth for band practice/auditions for battle of the bands. 

Overall I'm pretty sated, I feel starved for free time now and then and I'm going to be more so. Hours are picking up at my second job, to my dismay I've been slated to work 17 hours there in the coming two weeks (and most likely every week going forth into the spring & summer) in addition to my full-time bank schedule. So time management and organization are clutch. The money is necessary no doubt, and will be put to good use. My spending has gone down quite a bit, this week being an exception (I shopped a bit) so I'm used to living on less. No more cable and I really don't miss it. There are plenty of other diversions and I watch plenty of Tivo when I'm visiting Tyler at his parent's house. Paying down debt is my first priority. I'd like to pay off everything except my car by this time next year. I shouldn't whine about all the work I'm having to do...after all, think of how many people would love to be in my place, earning money on a steady basis at all. There's so much want for work. I consider myself lucky in a myriad of ways.

Things with Tye are nice and steady. Mostly I'm willing myself to calm down. I'm like one big raw nerve. I have about one layer of coating and it's about a millimeter thick. Everything and anything can get under my skin sometimes it seems. Then I have my days when I'm mellow to the point of passivity. 

Spring's breaking through and there is a promise of longer days and blooms to come. To my elation this means summer clothes, open windows, breezes from the fan, flip-flops, every small delight that the warm season brings. I'll have to carve out time to follow my bliss...

Life is always changing...my good friend and coworker is moving to the apartment below me along with two roommates, one being her lovely sister. I adore them both and am excited about the change, although I don't know for certain how it will change my life or our friendship. Katie's been promoted and is moving to another office, so it's good in that sense, as well as opportune timing. Many adventures to come, starting with a trip to Boston tonight for a show...

For the first time in my life, I'm truly happy, and I've been happy. I find it hard to imagine myself a year, two, three years back living such a wildly unsatisfying life. Then again, I know that it took all of that to arrive at the point at which I stand now. I'm a work in progress, but so many of the pieces that were scattered, or that I never even had, have fallen together and I have a quieter mind now. It shows I guess, to anyone who knows me or has read of my life. My life fits me now, for the moment, so perfectly. "Without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet."

we all have something that digs at us
We all have a weakness 
But some of ours are easy to identify. Look me in the eye, 
and ask for forgiveness.
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again. 
Yes, you are my friend. 
We all have something that digs at us, 
at least we dig each other. 

So when weakness turns my ego up 
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday. 

If I turn into another 
dig me up from under what is covering 
the better part of me. 
Sing this song 
remind me that we'll always have each other 
when everything else is gone. 

We all have a sickness 
that cleverly attaches and multiplies 
No matter how we try. 
We all have someone that digs at us, 
at least we dig each other. 

So when sickness turns my ego up 
I know you'll act as a clever medicine. 
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering 
The better part of me. 
Sing this song! 
Remind me that we'll always have each other 
when everything else is gone. 
Oh, each other when everything else is gone. 

I have a thing for Brandon Boyd. Interestingly enough I got it from my boyfriend and this song makes me think of him (as do many other Incubus songs). It's a great sentiment, even more than that. I think it's so powerful--the end brings tears to my eyes: it's a big part of what loving someone with all your heart is. Watch the video, I love the beautiful animation and of course the song; the backwards guitar in the bridge is phenomenal. 

carnelian stars and the world down below...
Tonight going on a triple date for Tyler's mom's birthday--Mark & Nancy, Justin & Katie, Tyler & myself are all going to The Olive Garden for dinner. Should be fun; we don't go out very much these days because of how things are economically for us, so it's always a treat. Waiting for Tye to come pick me up and I'm biding my time, so I figured might as well write a few things down...I've been out of the blogging habit it seems, out of writing in general, and overall pretty scattered when it comes to my creative pursuits, although I did wet my toes a little the other day and almost made myself late to a workshop because I was so engrossed in what I was doing (reorganizing links on my other, badly neglected blog).

Everything has just been crazy busy and I've been trying to micromanage my life, which isn't always easy. I try to stay one step ahead of everything but things just have a way of sliding out of control way too fast. I'm definitely not short on activities these days, and I've been getting up mad early for work everyday...does a number on me.

Lucky I have such a swell guy at my side; I'm still totally not completely used to it. He is so amazing in so many ways...the way he sings all the time, makes me laugh, listens to me, adores me even at my worst...notices everything, but in a good way...all the things he knows about music, the poetic way he speaks sometimes, his laugh, his eyes, his smile, every. little. thing. He's so tuned in. Today I was talking to him on my cellphone picking out cards at Kmart and he's just talking to me, next thing I know, he's right next to me (he'd been out running errands and I'd mentioned where I was) and it was such a sweet surprise. 

I'm reading a book that takes place on the WW II home front (Dream When You're Feeling Blue by Elizabeth Berg--I've read almost all of her books now)...something I remember being so fascinated with in my elementary years. Rations, the war effort, saving scrap metal, women going off to work in factories putting parts on airplanes. Dreaming of their men overseas, fighting for us, so brave. It's such a romantic feeling in a way, and such a proud one. I'd like to believe there's a piece of that America still left. I guess hard times have a certain way of bringing out better aspects in people, sometimes.

Who knows where this recession will bring us, though. I've been pretty tuned to the headlines at least due to my job, and nothing sounds good. Everything is just spiraling out of control, it seems the only thing to do is just to simplify our lives. We have, and we do...our idea of a rad night is playing board games (super epic game night is coming soon!) It's a good time to remind ourselves that we're rich in love.

I would rather be given balloons than flowers.
Take me to St. Bart's, please. I absolutely, positively, am so done with winter and cold and snow and ice. It's about this time when I'm also tired of winter clothes, because this year I feel like I've been literally wearing the same thing for 4 months in a row. I can't begin to name all the things I miss about summertime...

I want bright, shiny beach balls that smell like fresh vinyl...the smell of tanning oil and my boyfriends oh-so-capable hands working it into my body...I want to climb cookie dough mountains, past feather-green trees in a world less frigid and hostile. Winter is just too long and unpleasant. I want to see vistas and get out of my apartment.

Work's so repressive. No freedom and it's the complete counterpoint of who I am and what I want in life (paycheck aside). If it weren't for a couple of really incredible coworkers I think I'd have gone mental...

...But I probably am already. All I can say is that Tyler must really love me because I am a handful lately, no doubt. I just get so frustrated and everything seems to wind up on him somehow. The good and the bad. Last night was wonderful--we just laid with each other and listened to music and watched a movie. And fought again in between. It was bad but we made up. The making up is always so good. I'm not sure what it is about making up after fighting that makes me feel so...carnal. I just crave him all the more. 

I'm in a constant process of self-expansion and reinvention, (doing good things for myself like putting aside money, eating healthy and going to the gym with Tye now and then) but I am moody and bitchy and incapable of putting on a happy face sometimes. I'm going to go ahead and blame it on my job and all the sunshine I need to pour from myself daily just to keep myself out of trouble. Even then, I still don't smile enough, or say thank you enough. I have always had a really hard time faking a smile. I guess do what you must when you must, but it's so unnatural to force an expression of happiness of any sort when you're disgusted with what you're seeing. 

I'm kind of dying to find my place. I don't know how to say it. I want and need to do more fulfilling things for myself. More reading, more time with my mom, more time sitting listening to music, and definitely more time writing and figuring out what to do with my stagnant gift...

I fell through the haze left by the sun
My eyes were glazed, my mind on the run
So I float away like birds when you come
'Cause the higher we climb the harder we fall

Blacked out, but not gone
Well sometimes we need love to hold on...

Valentine's Day was low-key: Tye and I have been up and down; more like, I have been on this emotional rollercoaster and he's been steady, patient, loving and understanding. His affection is thorough and constant and I couldn't be happier. He is the one person who's been so solid and I'm so thankful. He makes me giggle all the time. We had a gorgeous afternoon, lunch at The Friendly Toast--this kitschy, awesome, off-the-wall diner-style restaurant in Portsmouth with an expansive menu specializing in breakfasty things. Tye had the Mexican Mash (eggs and potatoes with chipotle sauce and sausage) and I had the Greek Scramble, eggs with spinach, feta and kalamata olives. So yummy and so good. V-Day wasn't a big deal to us; funny because the past two years I was so acutely aware of my single status. Now that I'm in love it's so not that important. Every day is romantic in some way as it is, but we did exchange cards: I gave him a cute Peanuts one and he made me one that was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. So Tye.

Spent the afternoon napping and cuddling, then headed to his parent's and watched The Last Kiss (one of my faves) with Justin...enjoyed the night and he's been gone since yesterday morning. Plymouth for band practice and this Underground Sound show that's happening tonight. I miss him terribly and painfully but I'm alright. I won't see him until tomorrow night which will basically be three days. Last night I dreamt about him and slept fitfully. It's weird when he's not here suddenly, it's reminding me of myself pre-Tyler, nothing wrong with that...I only wish I was a little stronger and a little braver. Lucky I'm so good at being alone, I count my ability to amuse myself as an important one.

My little kitty cat, Frodo, was very sick on Thursday and Friday, had to take him to the vet because he was vomiting so much...don't know why, but he's okay now and I had to pay another huge vet bill, which sucks because I totally don't have extra cash at the moment. Nobody really does; it's all about frugality nowadays, how can you cut corners and save a buck. For the most part, I think I'm pretty good at being happy with what I have, and the people surrounding me are too--so it keeps me in check. Hedonism is gonna be a thing of the past.

Seems like we've turned the corner with winter. We've had some sunshine and serious meltage. My mom always says that it's after Valentine's that it gets a lot better. Less raw, less bitter. She's right. I'm buckled for some serious storms ahead but I'm just wanting sunshine and the feeling of grass on my calves so bad...

I love seeing old couples holding hands.
They are a reminder for me of what it's all about, truly. The last movie Tye and I saw together was Venus, in which an old man falls for (in a strange way) his friend's young caretaker. Youth and beauty are vital and luminous but shallow in comparison to the love I believe that can grow in old age. I look at couples who stay blissful after many years with such amazement. It overwhelms me. Tye's parent's aren't old but they are an example of two people so in love, so happy and grown together it makes me so hopeful. I don't know if it could happen with Tye, but the idea that it could happen for me at all is reason enough to smile.

For so long I focused on gratifying myself in the moment: With lingerie or with white-hot relationships that burned out as fast as they came. As I get older I start to see the value in taking my time, in savoring things, in not living on impulse, but striving towards my greater well-being. Slowly I see the bigger picture. I don't want to plan out my life, I want to be taken by surprise with it. I want adventure and intimacy and desire and laughter and more than anything: companionship. I have that now and I never did before, at least not like this, not in a way I could examine and compare against other things I've felt in my own narrow existence.

I fear mediocrity but I do not fear it with Tye. He and his surrounding circle are some of the most dynamic and warm people I have ever known. I am truly blessed, truly.

I don't want to drown in my own bliss, though. Misery loves company but sometimes it seems like happiness has no friends. My relationship, though deeply imperfect and still developing (always), is happy and healthy and it's where we both want to be, more than anything, and it's said and reflected daily in actions and words. Not everyone in my life has that, even and especially those I love the most. Is being overtly happy rubbing it in? It's hard to find a balance without bragging but I do want to declare my own peace, and I wish the same for those I love. They deserve it so much.

Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one

(3EB ; favorite lyrics: Blinded ♥)

sitting pretty
My daily love horoscope (Leo): A rough week has left you looking for comfort, and you'll find it in the tender embrace of your loved one. Relax and renew your connection as you let all your cares melt away.

Forging Reverie is recording all weekend. Last night after much moodiness and bitterness on my part I finally went over and hung out with the band members + Justin + his new friend Katie (who I decide I like instantly) for a bit. My bad mood was plaguing me though in spite of the cool company, and therefore Tyler as well. I felt bad about feeling so bad and my funk lasted so long until I finally fell asleep. He is the most patient human being I have ever known. I feel his love for me and the hardest thing is trying to feel close to him when I'm in one of those self-deprecating moods, charcoal on black ink. It's a hard thing. This morning was bliss though: Overnight I seemed to have mended and I felt normal again and even more connected to Tye, so loved, so in love.

The recording process seems exciting (albeit painstaking), but I'd rather be doing my own thing in a way. I'm fully supportive and a captive fan of the band and of course my wildly talented boyfriend and his sweet sweet voice and creative lyrics, but sometimes a girl's gotta daydream all on her own. So I came back home a couple hours ago and haven't really done much, but I have to say it all feels pretty good.

On the agenda for today may include, but not be limited to: DVD watching (indie movies! Freaks & Geeks!), quiet reading, a shower, chai latte, more stir-fry (so upset last night, skipped dinner & had pizza for breakfast @ Tye's), some reggae band at the Brickhouse with Katie, which I'm on the fence about mainly because of my vow to not spend money on booze/bars every weekend like I've been doing. So we'll see. No matter what I'm getting back to me, I need it more than ever.

at my worst.
My boyfriend tells me I'm too hard on myself.

His family is on their way to pick me up for dinner, but this is stuff I know inside and out. I think identifying my own faults may be what I'm most adept at. I'm often late, I enjoy sleeping in far too much, I leave dishes in the sink, seldom mop my floor...I throw tantrums, I'm moody, manic-depressive and have a mild case of bipolar, I'm unpredictable, overly impulsive, self-centered, arrogant, impatient, insecure, high-strung and sometimes jealous. I neglect cleaning too much, I procrastinate about everything, I like to get wildly drunk, I spend money on things I don't need, I don't stop for pedestrians all the time, I can barely cook and certainly can't bake (evidenced by my inverse cupcake disaster earlier today). I don't write enough and it's what I know I am good at, one of the singular unwavering talents I've held, long as I can remember.

Deep breaths.

completely tired...
white fluffy clouds
It is a day after many days of storms.
Having been washed and washed, the air glitters;
small heaped cumuli blow across the sky; a shower
visible against the firs douses the crocuses.
We knew it would happen one day this week.
Now, when I learn you have died, I go
to the open door and look across at New Hampshire
and see that there, too, the sun is bright
and clouds are making their shadowy ways along the horizon;
and I think: How could it not have been today?
In another room, Keri Te Kanawa is singing
the Laudate Dominum of Mozart, very faintly,
as if in the past, to those who once sat
in the steel seat of the old mowing machine,
cheerful descendent of the scythe of the grim reaper,
and drew the cutter bars little
reciprocating triangles through the grass
to make the stalks lie down in sunshine.
Could you have walked in the dark early this morning
and found yourself grown completely tired
of the successes and failures of medicine,
of your year of pain and despair remitted briefly
now and then by hope that had that leaden taste?
Did you glimpse in first light the world as you loved it
and see that, now, it was not wrong to die
and that, on dying, you would leave
your beloved in a day like paradise?
Near sunrise did you loosen your hold a little?
How could you not already have felt blessed for good,
having these last days spoken your whole heart to him,
who spoke his whole heart to you, so that in the silence
he would not feel a single word was missing?
How could you not have slipped into a spell,
in full daylight, as he lay next to you,
with his arms around you, as they have been,
it must have seemed, all your life?
How could your cheek not press a moment to his cheek,
which presses itself to yours from now on?
How could you not rise and go, with all that light
at the window, those arms around you, and the sound,
coming or going, hard to say, of a single-engine
plane in the distance that no one else hears?

--Galway Kinnell (my favorite American poet by far. That poem is bliss...)

I'm busy (work!), broke, and discontent. Weird how lack of funds can really put a crimp in the way you live. Everything has been shelved until further notice except for the essentials, planned to the last damn dollar. Economic woes are ravaging everyone; I know I should thank my lucky stars for having a decent job right now, but when rent sucks your bank balance into lows it hasn't hit in a year, I have a hard time finding any solace. What can you do, really? Promise to not spend $100 on booze and bars in February like I did in January, that's what. I feel like I don't spend wastefully but I do. Pretty much everybody does. Frugal is the new black, remember this.

I'm craving sunshine and eggs so bad. It must be this point every winter when I am so over the gray snow and salted crusty cars. Fuckin' gross. The only thing you can really do with New Hampshire winters is ride them out. Snowshoeing would be nice and wouldn't cost anything. I think Tye's parents might have snowshoes so I should really ask; might be fun on Valentine's day. No plans for that yet, but I cringe at the confected holiday it's become, but still (secretly, not so secretly?) relish a deep love for all things frilly, pink and romantic. And I have a Valentine this year for the first time since I was married, which I'd rather forget but unfortunately can't, because it haunts me. I got Tyler the cutest card. He doesn't like greeting cards and this concerns me, because I am literally the queen of greeting cards. My mother and I send each other cards for no occasion; they just make us happy. Spending time in the card aisle tearing up is always a good time for me.

Those with Netflix or similar: Watch Purple Violets. Despite the redundancy of the title, I love that movie, it's classy and grown-up. Tye and I saw it a few weeks ago and we were both struck by the mild dry humor and tastefulness. I'm a huge Selma Blair fan as well...and she dresses cute in it...she's got my style, can't go wrong. I go through movies like Kleenex but most are not worth mentioning these days.

Went to the library today and snagged a few books: When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris (been on my list forever, he's hilarious), a book called Apartment Therapy, and another called Jane Austen in Boca Raton (I think) by I forget who, which totally reminded me of my dear friend, who if she reads this, should check out the Southern Comfort table on the first floor at the RPL.

Signing off, 

love is a new place and I've moved in
Now’s the right time for a good song 
Get something to say what I can’t 
Do you feel bad, like I feel bad? 
Pour us a road, we’ll both drink and drive 

Kiss me with your cherry lipstick 
Never wash you off my face 
Hit me I can take your cheap shot 
Leave you with the love we made 

Come alive on the driver’s side 
So close I taste your breath 
Your lips go dry, but they're sweet inside 
Wine must go right to your head 
It’d be easy if you get mad 
But three fingers point back to you 
We could stay here 
Stay out all night 
No one would know, us and the moonlight

Being in love is the greatest feeling in the world, and I have it. I am thrilled and inspired in ways I couldn't begin to explain. My heart is so full. I am being loved so greatly. 

Twas a social weekend, Tye's brother's band's show on Friday night (thespeedoffilm.com) and it was so rad. Just really polished and talented performers and Justin's lyrics are fantastic. Saturday we drove up to PSU for Tye's band's practice (myspace.com/forgingreverie.) Lots of fun, great music, met a bunch of cool people over the course of the weekend. Yesterday was a Super Bowl party (not that Tyler or myself care at all about football) but it was a good excuse to go to a fun party @ Pete's in Manchester. Food, fun, friends, my love at my side. Long drives, starlight, holding hands, being kept warm and wonderful.

Saying love out loud is the biggest deal of all, especially when you've felt it coming on for so long. The payoffs of waiting with Tyler have made everything spiked with luscious intensity. Razored passion. And he makes me laugh every day. 

All of this has been a long time coming for me. It's taken me two and a half years to be at peace with my past; my decisions, and leave so much experience in my wake. What I'm starting to learn that once you find love, it's a whole new beginning and there's not a boring thing about it, when it's right. The vastness of my feelings still scares me, but I feel more comfort than I ever have.

I'm still submerged in challenges: Financial ones mostly, although in this economy, I know I'm not alone. I also know I can't let it paralyze me from living my life. My eyes remain focused on the prize, my brain on the paramount values I hold dear. Green light, go.